What Your Beer Grip Says About You.

Friday night’s WE ♥ REAL BEER festival was insane. Yes, there were loads of people. Too many. But there was tons of fun. And awesome beers. Hilarious moments. Sticky flip-flops. Broken glasses. Lager-stained t-shirts. A standard assortment of madness, really. Though if you weren’t launched, I reckon you wouldn’t enjoy it.

Needless to say I had a great time.

Something new this time was the choice of beer glass. Instead of the previous and typical conical pint glass, we got big tankards, with thick glass handles. Similar to the kind of thing you’d get at a medieval tavern. They presented a whole bunch of different ways to hold, which, if you’re a philosophical deep-thinking highly intellectual contemplative academic beer drinker like me, you can use to get a hold on the drinker…

The Standard. Four fingers inside, thumb securing on top. Preferred method by professionals. Reveals responsibility and signs of maturity. A doer, not a talker. Trustworthy. Level-headed when sober. Likes craft beer. Hates bullshit.

The Hang-Ten. Made popular by Ohlssons-drinking surfers in the 70′s. Easy-going drinker. Mellow. Enjoys a bit of reggae. Glass half-full kinda person. Chilled, but vicious if you try steal a sip. Likes music festivals. Hates politics.

The Hard-Man. Pinky finger floating under handle shows independence. And a challenge. A take-it-or-leave-it kinda drinker. Strong worded. Stronger armed. “I only need four fingers to hold this beer. I could fuck you up with just my pinky.” Likes Bruce Springsteen. Hates Amelie.

The Text. Someone that likes to connect. Communicates well. Extroverted. Claw technique offers unparalleled flexibility to hold beer and cellphone while speed-typing an SMS, Facebook post or twitter message. “So much awesomeness at @weloverealbeer #drunk #wahoooeey!” Likes Blackberry’s. Hates signal loss.

The Nugget. Double hand technique offers maximum tankard security. Holds onto their beer like it’s the last nugget of gold on earth. Problems with trust. Introverted. Doesn’t like strangers or crowds. Very wise though. And understanding. Likes security villages. Hates the mall.

The Thumb Master. Thumb-over the rim of the glass technique for added control when drinking. Drinker plays a lot of Master of The Thumbs. Can be found at Vida, thumb on table, waiting for someone to notice and do same. Playful. Enjoys a good romantic comedy. Likes drinking games. Hates white wine.

The Spread. Open-plan finger technique gives sense of ‘playing it cool.’ Laughs a lot. But can be serious. Enjoys the good things. But everything in order. Spontaneous. Uses the word ‘kiff’ a lot. Likes the beach. Hates angry people.

The Smash. Seldom seen technique more commonly seen in Northern Ireland and dodgy pubs outside Boksburg. Broken glass not highly efficient for beer drinking, but allows the drinker to show toughness to comrades. Someone with inner and outer strength. Enjoys a few pints. And then some. Not shy of a battle. Likes concrete bar counters. Hates bouncers.

The Waiter. Scoop technique allows beer to rest in palm of hand, like a tray. High-risk method. Danger of spillage 8/10. Someone that lives on the edge. Adventurous. Wild. Unpredictable. But very loyal. Likes roadtrips. Hates cubicles.

The Catapult. Swings the glass over clenched fist into face, beer ending in mouth (hopefully). Extremely risky. Liable to spill on clothing. Someone that is either very creative, or launched off their face. Impressive skills. Results uncertain. But always willing to give it a shot. Likes parties. Hates closing time.

The Clench. Another rarely seen technique, clenching the glass between the teeth to allow the hands to be completely free. Useful when having to carry large amounts of beer. Or when extremely lazy. Or wasted. A little bit crazy. Prone to letting out wolf howls randomly. Likes a good time. Hates haters.